How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
