Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
two words...techno handjob
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
