I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
