i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize