Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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