he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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