does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
