Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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