Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
