But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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