if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
