Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
