he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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