the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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