i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
50% drunk capacity currently
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
