why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
