There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
