Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
