Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
