Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he puts the penis in happiness.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize