I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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