i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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