I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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