I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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