He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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