My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
