We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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