You made me cry and you don't even care
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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