I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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