you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize