He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
