Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
