if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
