I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
