franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
