Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
