did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize