Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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