I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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