I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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