I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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