Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
