I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
