Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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