just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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