She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
