i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
