I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you would pick up someone in the library
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
