Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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