That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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