cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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