I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
