Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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