I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
