i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
