I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
