a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
