The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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