i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
