so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I pour the whiskey from now on
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
