the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
