Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
