I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
