We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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