gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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