I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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