Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
