Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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