Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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