You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
