i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
